The Question Game

How do you converse with a grad student?

A Guide for Friends and Family

Illustrated with strips from PhD Comics

There are a handful of questions that I get asked every single time I run into someone outside of the university setting. These are, almost universally, questions that are awkward to answer. But I get it: people are trying to show interest and connect, and I work on an obscure topic in a tiny field, on texts that no one encountered in high school or picks up casually for fun. So what are these questions that people should avoid? And more importantly, what can they ask instead?

1. Are you seeing anyone yet?

Did you know that graduate student marriages have a 30% higher chance of divorce than marriages where neither partner is in grad school? It's not a relationship-friendly endeavor. If I somehow find the time and energy to start seeing someone, I’ll be so pleased to be with them that I’ll happily and voluntarily tell you all about them! In the meantime:

And also:

Instead: What fun things have you done with your friends lately?

I will have many, many good stories if you ask me this.

2. When do you think you’ll be finished?

 

Instead: What’s the most interesting/entertaining thing you’ve come across in your research lately?¹

^1.A Variations include: ‘Read any interesting articles lately?’ Or, ‘What was your last paper on, in layman’s terms?’²

^1.B This is not recommended for many STEM subjects, because it can be a lot harder to explain what they are doing without the field jargon and (2) because they have to be much more secretive about their unpublished work than most medievalists do.

² Most grad students are very prepared to give short, one-minute versions of their latest work to a general audience. We actually have workshops and competitions for this on campus. Plus we have to be able to do this for a lot of grant applications and job pitches. And, as student teachers, our other job is to make our subject sound exciting to people who probably didn’t do the reading and don’t think it’s exciting.

One of the few benefits to doing a humanities degree (because it certainly isn’t the availability of funding or the state of the job market) is that most of the things I work on can be boiled down into fairly relatable material. After all, research in the humanities is, essentially, the study of humanity, and being human is universal common ground. The best thing about working in medieval studies is that most of the stuff I work on is hilarious, gruesome, or both simultaneously. And, working in literature, one of the few conversational skills I have is that I can rework most of the dry stuff I read about into a narrative. And almost everyone enjoys a good story if I promise to keep it brief.

3. But what’s the point of studying medieval literature? Isn’t this completely irrelevant?

Here's the thing: No one likes being told that the thing they love and have devoted their life to is worthless. Even if you say it as a joke. The best response when someone tells you they have made a career choice that you completely disagree with is to smile, nod, make a general "Oh, mhmm" noise of mild interest, and move on. Shake your head over it when you get home.

Instead: Hey, have you seen the latest Game of Thrones episode*?

*This can be substituted with any recently popular book, film, or TV series.